?

Log in

And in need of direction... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
mapless

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

thoughts over dishes [Dec. 10th, 2004|12:04 am]
mapless
[mood |gingerbread latte wired]
[music |The Professor]

NOTE: remember this later and write something from it...

Our every meeting perfectly blocked out
My every smile prerecorded
Each outfit, each line, preplanned
Pined over
Strolling by
You're the lead character in my little movie
Why arent you reading your script?



Good quote:
I walk away because I can
Too many options may kill a man
linkpost comment

delicate [Dec. 4th, 2004|07:03 pm]
mapless
[mood |serene]
[music |eh, the whole album is about him, okay?]

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
linkpost comment

Volcano [Dec. 3rd, 2004|12:07 am]
mapless
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |Damien Rice]

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
linkpost comment

Cannonball [Dec. 3rd, 2004|12:04 am]
mapless
[mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[music |Damien Rice]

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
linkpost comment

The Blower's Daughter [Dec. 2nd, 2004|11:59 pm]
mapless
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Damien Rice]

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
linkpost comment

i want out [Dec. 1st, 2004|01:56 pm]
mapless
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |who else?]

i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
how would I explain?
how would I explain this to my children if I had them?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't afford to be misread one more time
would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
how can I complain?
how can I complain when i'm the one who reaches for it?
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I cannot walk without my crutches
because I can't not
because I can't not
because I can't help wonder why you ask me
to all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
you think you're the right ones
you think you're the charmed ones i'm sure
how can you go on with such conviction?
and who do you think you are why do you question me?
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't help laugh at underestimations
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we can't afford to be misled one more time
because we can't not
because we can't not
because we cannot help without your willingness
why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
why do you unnerve? why do you unnerve me still?
why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?
linkpost comment

i'm not an addict... maybe that's a lie... [Nov. 26th, 2004|02:05 pm]
mapless
[mood |weirdweird]
[music |Wyclef]

Everytime
I find myself lost in thoughts of you,
I smoke a cigarette.
Six weeks, and thirteen packs later,
I've realized I'm addicted.
To you both.
linkpost comment

you know, it really doesn't concern me. [Nov. 22nd, 2004|12:41 am]
mapless
[mood |cynicalcynical]

Haha. I just read over the scarce entries I've made in the last two months. I was upset he smoked pot? Good lord, I wish that was his drug of choice. :( Shows you how far I've come. Or regressed. I can be really naive sometimes.
linkpost comment

I'm not addict... maybe that's a lie. [Nov. 21st, 2004|11:54 pm]
mapless
[mood |blahblah]
[music |I've got my female artists on spiral .:.:.:.]

I saw you today, and amazingly, I was completely disgusted/turnedoff/disappointed. In fact, I believe it's the first time I haven't wholely revered you. Why must you be under the influence, of anything, to get through your day? Why are you so dissatisfied? You have what others mostly dream about. In looks, career, wealth, toys. You're leaps and bounds beyond most men twice your age. And it's all self generated. I've always assumed you were filling some void. But perhapse you don't even realize you have a problem. They say when you lay down with dogs...

I hate addiction. I don't care what kind of addiction. Alcohol. Pot. Dip. Coke. Sex. Cigarettes. I'm truely not opposed to any of these things in moderation, at the right occasion. I hate anyone who needs something to get through their day. I'm not talking about cravings, I'm saying they NEED it. They begin to allow their addiction to take precedent over the important things in life. Their spouse. Their children. Their job. Special occasions. They make you feel less valuable than their stupid kick.

Thank god I don't take your issues personally. I'm just saddened. I think you have more potential than almost any man I've ever met. And I barely know you. Not to sound after school specialish, but you're really special. You're a magnet. And you're at your best, when you're sober. Your flaws, youre obvious insecurities, are your best quialities. Without them you'd seem creapily perfect. I also know, that if we ever decide to take this anywhere, I will take the mood swings personally. And I want no part of that. As if life isn't tough enough.

It's funny. There's this song by Alanis, where she attacks men's flaws. I've always been able to listen to it, and laugh at certain lines. The momma's boy is this ex-boy friend. The popular boy reminds me of this other ex-boyfriend. I seem to have a guy for every issue. But now I listen to it, and I'm taken aback. I never assumed the song was about ONE man. But it could be because it all completely applies to you. How is it possible that you seem to have every issue? And you still have me so taken by you?



Narcissus - Alanis

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after

Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door

(Why why do I try to love you
try to love you when you really don't want me to)

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance

Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society

And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe

Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to

Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe
linkpost comment

tainted by the fruit of another [Nov. 1st, 2004|07:47 pm]
mapless
[mood |restlessrestless]
[music |Macy Gray, Ben Folds, Alanis, Pete Yorn]

I'm on my way to an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend, whom I can't grow the balls to break up with. I've tried, repeatedly. But he cries, and holds me and gets so upset he makes himself physically ill. I thought I had done it, but again, I was wrong. So back to what I was saying... I'm on my way to an anniversary dinner with my boyfriend, and all I can think about is someone else.

I'm jamming out to songs that remind me of him.

I'm arranging dinner so that I can see the game (my team -dolphins, against his- jets).

I'm planning my date for tomorrow night, because he'll still be out of town and we won't accidentally run into him. Can't have him see me with another guy, right? Espcially because the date means nada.

I'm feeling stupid, because he's not spending his time thinking about him. Or is he? ;)

I'm wondering what in the hell im doing liking him.

I'm mentally deciphering everything that happened this past week and trying to find some meaning to it all.

I'm writing in my journal about him.

I'm harboring some secret hope that he'll call me to razz me about the game, though I know he won't. But if he does, how can I tell him where I am, without it being obvious to the men on both sides of the call, that I'm trying to hide that I'm out with my boyfriend.

There is something so screwed up and unhealthy about all of this. And really, I'm swear I'm not an asshole. So, um, here's to being disfunctional. Never a dull moment.
linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]